Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Election Results: YOU WON!

(Writer's Note: This article originally appeared on Wednesday, November 8th, 2006 - the day after the mid-term elections.)

YOUR TOWN, USA - The polls have closed, the votes have been tallied, and the result is official: You're the Douchebag of the Year! Congratulations!

No recount will be needed, you won in a landslide. Never has a race been so one-sided. Political pundits were amazed at how you pulled away from the pack in the last month with your douchebagging ways, separating yourself from the dickheads, numnuts, and tallywhackers who stood in your way.

Americans went to the polls in droves, excited to anoint you the next Great American Douchebag. Voters endured long lines, complex rules, faulty machines and confused poll workers, but nothing would stop the citizens of the United States of America from carrying out their God-given right of having their voices heard. They shouted from the hills of West Virginia! They marched down the streets of New York City! And they all carried the same message: You're an incredible Douchebag!

The outcome was so predictable that your competitor, the incumbent Douchebag, conceded to you by 9am yesterday morning. He released this short statement: "I can't argue with these results. I didn't deserve to win. Even I voted for you. You've taken douchebaggery to a whole new level. Seriously, I thought I was a pretty big douchebag, but I swear to God, I didn't even know your level existed. I'm humbled, yet impressed."

Although we've never seen a Douchebag quite like you, voters will be quick to elect a new head Douchebag next year if you don't maintain your current status, or even better, exceed their expectations. The latter could prove to be a difficult task, considering the fact that you're already such an enormous Douchebag.

(Writer's Second Note: Eat me.)

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