WASHINGTON, D.C. - Americans, prepare for summer vacation in March. Thanks to a few persistent politicians, the U.S. House of Representatives will vote this week on a proposal that could rearrange the current order of the seasons.
Representative Tom Shankel (D-NH 34th) is at the forefront of this debate, which has been gaining steam in recent months as global warming becomes more prominent. Shankel submitted a new order for the seasons, which features summer immediately following winter. Shankel says, "After these brutal winters in New Hampshire, I'm ready to hit the water park. If I get my way, when that groundhog doesn't see his shadow in February, I can start looking for some new swim trunks."
Shankel's radical ideas have drawn outrage from the Seasonal Traditionalists, a non-profit group based in Sterling, Virginia. Cedric Oleman, spokesperson for the Traditionalists, disagrees with the need to transform Mother Nature's work. On the steps of Capitol Hill Wednesday, Oleman said, "It makes sense for summer to follow the spring! This is a typical misappropriation of funds and time by the government." Oleman then had to cut short his interview in order to file his group's grant request in a timely manner.
Republican Burt Boucheman of Michigan is also in support of rearranging the seasons, but submitted his own proposal. "Summer in June, July, and August is an American institution! My esteemed colleague Tom Shankel would like to have us enjoying fireworks while raking leaves in the fall. I propose we keep summer in the summer! And while we're doing that, why not switch winter and fall? What harm could it do?"
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Election Results: YOU WON!
(Writer's Note: This article originally appeared on Wednesday, November 8th, 2006 - the day after the mid-term elections.)
YOUR TOWN, USA - The polls have closed, the votes have been tallied, and the result is official: You're the Douchebag of the Year! Congratulations!
No recount will be needed, you won in a landslide. Never has a race been so one-sided. Political pundits were amazed at how you pulled away from the pack in the last month with your douchebagging ways, separating yourself from the dickheads, numnuts, and tallywhackers who stood in your way.
Americans went to the polls in droves, excited to anoint you the next Great American Douchebag. Voters endured long lines, complex rules, faulty machines and confused poll workers, but nothing would stop the citizens of the United States of America from carrying out their God-given right of having their voices heard. They shouted from the hills of West Virginia! They marched down the streets of New York City! And they all carried the same message: You're an incredible Douchebag!
The outcome was so predictable that your competitor, the incumbent Douchebag, conceded to you by 9am yesterday morning. He released this short statement: "I can't argue with these results. I didn't deserve to win. Even I voted for you. You've taken douchebaggery to a whole new level. Seriously, I thought I was a pretty big douchebag, but I swear to God, I didn't even know your level existed. I'm humbled, yet impressed."
Although we've never seen a Douchebag quite like you, voters will be quick to elect a new head Douchebag next year if you don't maintain your current status, or even better, exceed their expectations. The latter could prove to be a difficult task, considering the fact that you're already such an enormous Douchebag.
(Writer's Second Note: Eat me.)
YOUR TOWN, USA - The polls have closed, the votes have been tallied, and the result is official: You're the Douchebag of the Year! Congratulations!
No recount will be needed, you won in a landslide. Never has a race been so one-sided. Political pundits were amazed at how you pulled away from the pack in the last month with your douchebagging ways, separating yourself from the dickheads, numnuts, and tallywhackers who stood in your way.
Americans went to the polls in droves, excited to anoint you the next Great American Douchebag. Voters endured long lines, complex rules, faulty machines and confused poll workers, but nothing would stop the citizens of the United States of America from carrying out their God-given right of having their voices heard. They shouted from the hills of West Virginia! They marched down the streets of New York City! And they all carried the same message: You're an incredible Douchebag!
The outcome was so predictable that your competitor, the incumbent Douchebag, conceded to you by 9am yesterday morning. He released this short statement: "I can't argue with these results. I didn't deserve to win. Even I voted for you. You've taken douchebaggery to a whole new level. Seriously, I thought I was a pretty big douchebag, but I swear to God, I didn't even know your level existed. I'm humbled, yet impressed."
Although we've never seen a Douchebag quite like you, voters will be quick to elect a new head Douchebag next year if you don't maintain your current status, or even better, exceed their expectations. The latter could prove to be a difficult task, considering the fact that you're already such an enormous Douchebag.
(Writer's Second Note: Eat me.)
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Contrived Laughter Down in Music
HOUSTON, T.X. - In what appears to be another sign of the coming Apocolypse, a study released Thursday by the Consortium of Houston for Understanding Cachinnation and Laughter in Entertainment (CHUCkLE) found that contrived laughter in music has dropped significantly in the last two decades.
CHUCkLE found that the fabricated laughter reached its apex in the late eighties when both Nenah Cherry and Janet Jackson had Top 40 hits. Cherry's "Buffalo Stance" had listeners the world over cackling in unison following the line, "What do you expect...the guy's a gigalo, man!" Jackson giggled her way through "When I Think of You," and her fans rejoiced by making Control a number one album in America. Ultimately, more than eight million copies were sold.
The study found fake laughter in music as far back as 1958 when the Big Bopper snickered his way through "Chantilly Lace." While fronting Van Halen, David Lee Roth chuckled through numerous songs. A common misconception is that the Norwegian band A-Ha injected laughter into their songs. This is a myth.
Billy Joel contributed to the laughter boom in the eighties during his song "You're Only Human (Second Wind.)" However, CHUCkLE later found that the laughter was authentic and thus, did not apply to the study. (It should be noted that while the laughter was proven to be real, the song was not about unintentional flatulence.)
As the era of grunge rock rolled in, the contrived laughter slowly died. It was thought there would be a resurgence when Hanson released "MMMBop," but it turned out that listeners were laughing at them, not with them.
CHUCkLE found that the fabricated laughter reached its apex in the late eighties when both Nenah Cherry and Janet Jackson had Top 40 hits. Cherry's "Buffalo Stance" had listeners the world over cackling in unison following the line, "What do you expect...the guy's a gigalo, man!" Jackson giggled her way through "When I Think of You," and her fans rejoiced by making Control a number one album in America. Ultimately, more than eight million copies were sold.
The study found fake laughter in music as far back as 1958 when the Big Bopper snickered his way through "Chantilly Lace." While fronting Van Halen, David Lee Roth chuckled through numerous songs. A common misconception is that the Norwegian band A-Ha injected laughter into their songs. This is a myth.
Billy Joel contributed to the laughter boom in the eighties during his song "You're Only Human (Second Wind.)" However, CHUCkLE later found that the laughter was authentic and thus, did not apply to the study. (It should be noted that while the laughter was proven to be real, the song was not about unintentional flatulence.)
As the era of grunge rock rolled in, the contrived laughter slowly died. It was thought there would be a resurgence when Hanson released "MMMBop," but it turned out that listeners were laughing at them, not with them.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Lapse in Judgement Ruins Red Corner
STERLING, V.A. - A Sterling man tuned to AMC prematurely for the start of Highlander early Sunday morning, and inadvertantly viewed the final three minutes of Red Corner.
"I'd never seen Red Corner before, but I'd always imagined I'd see it one day," said Ban Bove, 29. "I guess I screwed up."
Witnessed in the final gripping moments of the 1997 thriller was Bai Ling's tearful farewell to Gere. According to Bove, this was, "...probably pretty important to the storyline."
Bove goes on to say, "I didn't really know anything about the movie until now. I figured Gere was in some asian country, presumably doing something asian-related. Seeing him with that asian women really confirmed everything I already thought."
As to why he showed up so early for Highlander, Bove had this to say: "Well, there's that whole opening narration by Connery and the Quickening scene in the first, like, five minutes, and I didn't want to miss that. Knowing now the ramifications of my actions, I can honestly say I wish I'd just gone to sleep instead. After blowing Red Corner, I wasn't even in the mood for Highlander."
Bove will likely review Red Corner on IMDb in the coming days. The film has already garnered high-praise from users such as, "Watchable," "Mind-numbing," and "Taintacular."
"I'd never seen Red Corner before, but I'd always imagined I'd see it one day," said Ban Bove, 29. "I guess I screwed up."
Witnessed in the final gripping moments of the 1997 thriller was Bai Ling's tearful farewell to Gere. According to Bove, this was, "...probably pretty important to the storyline."
Bove goes on to say, "I didn't really know anything about the movie until now. I figured Gere was in some asian country, presumably doing something asian-related. Seeing him with that asian women really confirmed everything I already thought."
As to why he showed up so early for Highlander, Bove had this to say: "Well, there's that whole opening narration by Connery and the Quickening scene in the first, like, five minutes, and I didn't want to miss that. Knowing now the ramifications of my actions, I can honestly say I wish I'd just gone to sleep instead. After blowing Red Corner, I wasn't even in the mood for Highlander."
Bove will likely review Red Corner on IMDb in the coming days. The film has already garnered high-praise from users such as, "Watchable," "Mind-numbing," and "Taintacular."
Judge to Phil Collins: No Jacket Required, But Pants Must be Worn
LOS ANGELES - A Los Angeles Superior Court judge ruled Monday that when within a thousand yards of a human, Phil Collins must be clothed from the waist down.
The singer, whose 1985 album No Jacket Required was certified Diamond for U.S. sales of over ten million copies, had planned to release a comeback album entitled, "No Trousers Required." The proposed record has drawn outrage from church groups, parent-teacher associations, and PAX Television stations nationwide.
Tom Royco, of the Christian think-tank Pious Prudence, commented that this type of behavior is typical of Collins. "We all saw the video for "Take Me Home." He cruised around town in a hot tub limousine wearing nothing more than a speedo. I'm not interested in seeing his man-tits, and I'm certainly not interested in what's below the border."
It's reasonable to believe that if Collins had succeeded in moving forward with his planned album, it could have caused mass panic and hysteria. Following the release of No Jacket Required, Planet Earth saw a sharp decline in the jacket and sport coat market.
The ruling marks the second setback this year for Collins, who saw disappointing sales for his Middle Eastern-themed album, No Tunic Required.
Dude, You're Getting a Bowl of Soup
LOS ANGELES - Ben Curtis, better known as the "Dell Dude," from Dell Computer commercials, is working again.Unfortunately for Curtis, it's in the food service industry and he's being paid in the form of soup. (And crackers, as he pointed out.)
As the unlovable Dell spokesperson, Curtis rocketed to the top of the Annoying Commercial Guy Pantheon, eclipsing such all-time greats as the Encyclopedia Britannica Guy, Sally Struthers, and Esteban. But after Curtis was caught with marijuana, Dell dropped him from their ads and replaced him with five annoying "Dell Interns." Fortunately for viewers, their combined powers of annoyance couldn't come close to equaling the disgust we felt for Curtis' vile and insufferable face.
After his dismissal, Curtis plunged into an abyss of self-destruction which included pot, strip clubs, gambling, and Zima. He even went so far as to speak highly of e-Machines in public. His life-savings blown, the former Dell Dude was broke and homeless.
In July of this year, hungry and alone, Curtis wandered into the Fourth Street Soup Kitchen in Los Angeles and asked for a soup. National television commercials seemed like a lifetime ago. Day after day he'd return, sampling unique Campbell's Soup offerings such as Tomato, Chicken Noodle, and Nacho Cheese. With each digested soup, Curtis gained momentum and confidence. Slowly, but surely, he's determined to work his way back into the public eye.
"I'm working on a script right now about a guy who gets fired from his high paying job, hits rock-bottom, and has to work his way back to the top. And guess what? He gets there," Curtis said. He also added that due to his lack of funds, the script is being written on the back of soup can labels.
Despite all the hardships, which he'll freely admit he brought on himself, Curtis maintains a positive outlook. Before returning to the serving line, he offered this thought: "The secret to believing you'll get your life back on track is a lot like soup. It comes in a Can, not in a Can't."
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