SEBASTIAN, FL - Stanley Pratt is retired - officially, at least. The former Head Pyrotechnic Engineer and creator of Disney's EPCOT Center Illuminations - a nightly fireworks show - left his professional life behind last spring and moved to this quiet Treasure Coast town to enjoy his golden years.
Unfortunately for his family, Pratt just can't let go of his profession.
The self-proclaimed "Gordon Ramsey of Pyrotechnics" ruined what should have been a magical fourth of July for his family. On the morning of our nation's independence, the Pratt family welcomed home their son from his second tour of duty in Iraq and also celebrated their daughter-in-law becoming a United States citizen. Pratt's fourteen year-old grandson, Kirk, used money saved from three months of allowances to purchase the items needed for what would be a spectacular fireworks show in the driveway of his grandparent's home.
Kirk led his autistic younger brother, Tommy, and aided his trembling hand in lighting the inaugural firework.
"NO! NO! NO!," screamed Stanley Pratt. "You can't start off your show with a Screaming Soldier! What is this, amateur hour?!"
Tommy, confused by the combination of fireworks, shouting, and his older brother's tears, immediately went into a state of shock, tensing up and refusing to move or speak. After being rolled inside on a hand-truck, it would be more than an hour before his muscles relaxed.
Once Pratt was calmed by his wife and persuaded to just enjoy the effort, his grandson wiped away his tears and executed the next fireworks in his program.
Bottle rocket. Smoke bomb. Black cat.
With the lighting of each firework, Pratt's rage intensified until finally he exploded upon the lighting of a sparkler.
Pratt screamed, "THIS IS THE WORST CHOREOGRAPHED PYROTECHNICS EVER!!! YOU'VE GOT NO VISION! WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?! YOU CAN'T FOLLOW A BOTTLE ROCKET WITH A SMOKE BOMB! THERE'S NO RHYTHM HERE! YOU'RE AN IDIOT!"
Pratt's neighbors walked back to their homes. His wife, Annabelle, told him he was a monster. Kirk wailed and fled into the nearby woods.
All that remained were Pratt and the unused fireworks. He was ashamed by his behavior, and knew there was only one way to win back his family's love - by putting on the greatest fireworks show in the history of man. And guess what? He did.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Hospitalized Woman Still Awaiting Get-Well Card
ATLANTA, GA - Since being hospitalized over a week ago for an emergency appendectomy, Meredith Cooksman has been anxiously awaiting a "Get Well" card from her co-workers.
"I was pretty sure I'd get something from them before I was released from the hospital," she says, quickly adding, "But I was only there two nights, so I just figured that they didn't get it out in time."
The thirty-three year old woman is an Assistant Store Manager of Target in the upscale Buckhead neighborhood of Atlanta. She describes herself as "well-liked" and "witty." Cooksman was positive that seven days after her surgery, she'd have received a card, or a balloon, or a funny e-mail. But after a full week, the silence coming from Target #4072 is deafening.
"The whole store knows that I had the surgery, because my appendix ruptured while I was working. I even managed to help unload the delivery truck while I was waiting for the ambulance to arrive, because we were a little short-handed that night." The four-time winner of the employee-voted "Manager of the Quarter Award" has kept busy at home by crocheting a blanket for one of her pregnant Target team members.
Cooksman says, "I'm giving them the benefit of the doubt. It's possible that the entire staff signed a beautiful card for me and then it was lost in the mail. Definitely possible. Or maybe they're planning a big 'Welcome Back' celebration. That would be just wonderful."
Editor's Note: There was no celebration upon Cooksman's return to work.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
National Geographic to Host Rock-Paper-Scissors Competition
ASHBURN, VA – National Geographic, Inc. (NASDAQ: NATGEO) announced Monday that it will stage the first Rock-Paper-Scissors Tournament in the history of the company and will hold the weeklong competition at National Television Annex in Ashburn, Virginia. The tournament comes on the heels of the organization's extremely successful Chili Cook-Off, which was staged in February 2007 at the Ashburn television facility.
The announcement brings together the leading global real-world media and entertainment company and the forty-seventh fastest-growing sport in America.
"We're extremely proud to have won the rights to host the competition," said Manuel (no last name), Supervising Supervisor of Facilities at NTA. "We have a state-of-the-art facility that will provide an amazing home to both the athletes and the game." It should be noted that no other facility placed a bid to host the tournament. Nonetheless, employees are ecstatic about competing in the tournament. From Marketing to Programming and from Sales to Master Control, NTA team members are coming out of the woodwork to sign up for their chance to compete for the Galapagos Cup.
The Teutuls of TLC's American Chopper have been commissioned to build a Rock-Paper-Scissors-themed bike in honor of the event. In addition, three employees will be chosen based on time of service, accolades received, and on-air reliability to discrepancy ratio, to carry symbolic rock, paper, and scissors into the gaming arena.
National Geographic's shares rose 4.7% on Tuesday following the announcement.
The announcement brings together the leading global real-world media and entertainment company and the forty-seventh fastest-growing sport in America.
"We're extremely proud to have won the rights to host the competition," said Manuel (no last name), Supervising Supervisor of Facilities at NTA. "We have a state-of-the-art facility that will provide an amazing home to both the athletes and the game." It should be noted that no other facility placed a bid to host the tournament. Nonetheless, employees are ecstatic about competing in the tournament. From Marketing to Programming and from Sales to Master Control, NTA team members are coming out of the woodwork to sign up for their chance to compete for the Galapagos Cup.
The Teutuls of TLC's American Chopper have been commissioned to build a Rock-Paper-Scissors-themed bike in honor of the event. In addition, three employees will be chosen based on time of service, accolades received, and on-air reliability to discrepancy ratio, to carry symbolic rock, paper, and scissors into the gaming arena.
National Geographic's shares rose 4.7% on Tuesday following the announcement.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
OFI Submission Leads BOC to New Heights
(Writer's note: This article was written in February 2004.)
ATLANTA, GA - What started out as an OFI (Opportunity for Improvement) has become, quite possibly, the most defining moment of greatness in the history of Turner Broadcasting.
On November 14, 2003, Tom Royco made a routine trip to the vending machine. However, what happened to this veteran Broadcast Coordinator is anything but routine. As he watched his Lance Toastchee Crackers fall haplessly to its cruel inflexible destination below, he knew what awaited him when he was to pull his delicious treat from the vending slot: Broken Crackers.
It's a story old as time. You remove your bounty from the machine and you find the shattered remains of a once whole cracker.
It was at this time when Royco had an epiphany: "Wouldn't it only make sense to soften the blow of our snacks and drinks? How many other people were affected by these broken crackers?"
Before he could suggest an answer to his nefarious problem, he needed to think it through. Time after time good ideas are shot down due to a lack of research, facts and figures. He conducted a series of experiments using the snack time favorite Van-O Lunch Cookies (by Lance.) Coming in at a net weight of 1 3/4 ounces, it was Royco's hypothesis that each time a cookie package is released, the cookie that makes impact would partially shatter, resulting in at least 1/10 ounce of inedible crumb. Compound that with the fact that you now have one cookie with exposed vanilla crème and you've got a recipe for unsatisfied customers. And unsatisfied customers at work leads to poor employee performance.
At the conclusion of his experiments his hypothesis was proven to be correct in nine out of ten trials. What happened in the tenth trial, you ask? Results were inconclusive due to the snack getting stuck in the machine.
Royco then spoke to his coworkers. He conducted surveys and was given this feedback by one employee: "The next time I open a soda and it explodes on me I'm going to go berserk!"
His problem had now become a giant ball of yarn that was unraveling by the minute. When sodas exploded, precious liquid goodness was wasted, ruining clothing and tarnishing our beautiful carpet tile. He approached a member of Facilities - who wished to remain anonymous - to get their outlook: "Those carpet tiles aren't cheap! Constantly replacing those is driving our profit margins into the toilet! Now I really need to get back to work. I have a lot of perfectly good lunches to throw away before I can clean the refrigerator."
So the results were in and the fact was that the landing area in the soda and snack machines needed some sort of cushion to avoid these problems in the future. Royco took it upon himself to call the president of HappyTime Vending and offer his solution to their mounting problem. Jim Henley had this to say: "Look, we feel that the current landing areas in our machines are more than adequate. If a snack breaks or a soda explodes once in a while, there's nothing we can do about it. That's just the way the cookie crumbles."
Not being one to rest, Royco took all of his data and compiled it into the single most complete and magnificent OFI ever suggested. Immediately, cushions were added to the vending machines throughout Time Warner and just three months later the results are astounding. Morale is up, operator errors have fallen to an all-time low, and most importantly, bellies are full. This is just another example of how small ideas can turn into great accomplishments.
ATLANTA, GA - What started out as an OFI (Opportunity for Improvement) has become, quite possibly, the most defining moment of greatness in the history of Turner Broadcasting.
On November 14, 2003, Tom Royco made a routine trip to the vending machine. However, what happened to this veteran Broadcast Coordinator is anything but routine. As he watched his Lance Toastchee Crackers fall haplessly to its cruel inflexible destination below, he knew what awaited him when he was to pull his delicious treat from the vending slot: Broken Crackers.
It's a story old as time. You remove your bounty from the machine and you find the shattered remains of a once whole cracker.
It was at this time when Royco had an epiphany: "Wouldn't it only make sense to soften the blow of our snacks and drinks? How many other people were affected by these broken crackers?"
Before he could suggest an answer to his nefarious problem, he needed to think it through. Time after time good ideas are shot down due to a lack of research, facts and figures. He conducted a series of experiments using the snack time favorite Van-O Lunch Cookies (by Lance.) Coming in at a net weight of 1 3/4 ounces, it was Royco's hypothesis that each time a cookie package is released, the cookie that makes impact would partially shatter, resulting in at least 1/10 ounce of inedible crumb. Compound that with the fact that you now have one cookie with exposed vanilla crème and you've got a recipe for unsatisfied customers. And unsatisfied customers at work leads to poor employee performance.
At the conclusion of his experiments his hypothesis was proven to be correct in nine out of ten trials. What happened in the tenth trial, you ask? Results were inconclusive due to the snack getting stuck in the machine.
Royco then spoke to his coworkers. He conducted surveys and was given this feedback by one employee: "The next time I open a soda and it explodes on me I'm going to go berserk!"
His problem had now become a giant ball of yarn that was unraveling by the minute. When sodas exploded, precious liquid goodness was wasted, ruining clothing and tarnishing our beautiful carpet tile. He approached a member of Facilities - who wished to remain anonymous - to get their outlook: "Those carpet tiles aren't cheap! Constantly replacing those is driving our profit margins into the toilet! Now I really need to get back to work. I have a lot of perfectly good lunches to throw away before I can clean the refrigerator."
So the results were in and the fact was that the landing area in the soda and snack machines needed some sort of cushion to avoid these problems in the future. Royco took it upon himself to call the president of HappyTime Vending and offer his solution to their mounting problem. Jim Henley had this to say: "Look, we feel that the current landing areas in our machines are more than adequate. If a snack breaks or a soda explodes once in a while, there's nothing we can do about it. That's just the way the cookie crumbles."
Not being one to rest, Royco took all of his data and compiled it into the single most complete and magnificent OFI ever suggested. Immediately, cushions were added to the vending machines throughout Time Warner and just three months later the results are astounding. Morale is up, operator errors have fallen to an all-time low, and most importantly, bellies are full. This is just another example of how small ideas can turn into great accomplishments.
Politicians Move to Rearrange Seasons
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Americans, prepare for summer vacation in March. Thanks to a few persistent politicians, the U.S. House of Representatives will vote this week on a proposal that could rearrange the current order of the seasons.
Representative Tom Shankel (D-NH 34th) is at the forefront of this debate, which has been gaining steam in recent months as global warming becomes more prominent. Shankel submitted a new order for the seasons, which features summer immediately following winter. Shankel says, "After these brutal winters in New Hampshire, I'm ready to hit the water park. If I get my way, when that groundhog doesn't see his shadow in February, I can start looking for some new swim trunks."
Shankel's radical ideas have drawn outrage from the Seasonal Traditionalists, a non-profit group based in Sterling, Virginia. Cedric Oleman, spokesperson for the Traditionalists, disagrees with the need to transform Mother Nature's work. On the steps of Capitol Hill Wednesday, Oleman said, "It makes sense for summer to follow the spring! This is a typical misappropriation of funds and time by the government." Oleman then had to cut short his interview in order to file his group's grant request in a timely manner.
Republican Burt Boucheman of Michigan is also in support of rearranging the seasons, but submitted his own proposal. "Summer in June, July, and August is an American institution! My esteemed colleague Tom Shankel would like to have us enjoying fireworks while raking leaves in the fall. I propose we keep summer in the summer! And while we're doing that, why not switch winter and fall? What harm could it do?"
Representative Tom Shankel (D-NH 34th) is at the forefront of this debate, which has been gaining steam in recent months as global warming becomes more prominent. Shankel submitted a new order for the seasons, which features summer immediately following winter. Shankel says, "After these brutal winters in New Hampshire, I'm ready to hit the water park. If I get my way, when that groundhog doesn't see his shadow in February, I can start looking for some new swim trunks."
Shankel's radical ideas have drawn outrage from the Seasonal Traditionalists, a non-profit group based in Sterling, Virginia. Cedric Oleman, spokesperson for the Traditionalists, disagrees with the need to transform Mother Nature's work. On the steps of Capitol Hill Wednesday, Oleman said, "It makes sense for summer to follow the spring! This is a typical misappropriation of funds and time by the government." Oleman then had to cut short his interview in order to file his group's grant request in a timely manner.
Republican Burt Boucheman of Michigan is also in support of rearranging the seasons, but submitted his own proposal. "Summer in June, July, and August is an American institution! My esteemed colleague Tom Shankel would like to have us enjoying fireworks while raking leaves in the fall. I propose we keep summer in the summer! And while we're doing that, why not switch winter and fall? What harm could it do?"
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Election Results: YOU WON!
(Writer's Note: This article originally appeared on Wednesday, November 8th, 2006 - the day after the mid-term elections.)
YOUR TOWN, USA - The polls have closed, the votes have been tallied, and the result is official: You're the Douchebag of the Year! Congratulations!
No recount will be needed, you won in a landslide. Never has a race been so one-sided. Political pundits were amazed at how you pulled away from the pack in the last month with your douchebagging ways, separating yourself from the dickheads, numnuts, and tallywhackers who stood in your way.
Americans went to the polls in droves, excited to anoint you the next Great American Douchebag. Voters endured long lines, complex rules, faulty machines and confused poll workers, but nothing would stop the citizens of the United States of America from carrying out their God-given right of having their voices heard. They shouted from the hills of West Virginia! They marched down the streets of New York City! And they all carried the same message: You're an incredible Douchebag!
The outcome was so predictable that your competitor, the incumbent Douchebag, conceded to you by 9am yesterday morning. He released this short statement: "I can't argue with these results. I didn't deserve to win. Even I voted for you. You've taken douchebaggery to a whole new level. Seriously, I thought I was a pretty big douchebag, but I swear to God, I didn't even know your level existed. I'm humbled, yet impressed."
Although we've never seen a Douchebag quite like you, voters will be quick to elect a new head Douchebag next year if you don't maintain your current status, or even better, exceed their expectations. The latter could prove to be a difficult task, considering the fact that you're already such an enormous Douchebag.
(Writer's Second Note: Eat me.)
YOUR TOWN, USA - The polls have closed, the votes have been tallied, and the result is official: You're the Douchebag of the Year! Congratulations!
No recount will be needed, you won in a landslide. Never has a race been so one-sided. Political pundits were amazed at how you pulled away from the pack in the last month with your douchebagging ways, separating yourself from the dickheads, numnuts, and tallywhackers who stood in your way.
Americans went to the polls in droves, excited to anoint you the next Great American Douchebag. Voters endured long lines, complex rules, faulty machines and confused poll workers, but nothing would stop the citizens of the United States of America from carrying out their God-given right of having their voices heard. They shouted from the hills of West Virginia! They marched down the streets of New York City! And they all carried the same message: You're an incredible Douchebag!
The outcome was so predictable that your competitor, the incumbent Douchebag, conceded to you by 9am yesterday morning. He released this short statement: "I can't argue with these results. I didn't deserve to win. Even I voted for you. You've taken douchebaggery to a whole new level. Seriously, I thought I was a pretty big douchebag, but I swear to God, I didn't even know your level existed. I'm humbled, yet impressed."
Although we've never seen a Douchebag quite like you, voters will be quick to elect a new head Douchebag next year if you don't maintain your current status, or even better, exceed their expectations. The latter could prove to be a difficult task, considering the fact that you're already such an enormous Douchebag.
(Writer's Second Note: Eat me.)
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Contrived Laughter Down in Music
HOUSTON, T.X. - In what appears to be another sign of the coming Apocolypse, a study released Thursday by the Consortium of Houston for Understanding Cachinnation and Laughter in Entertainment (CHUCkLE) found that contrived laughter in music has dropped significantly in the last two decades.
CHUCkLE found that the fabricated laughter reached its apex in the late eighties when both Nenah Cherry and Janet Jackson had Top 40 hits. Cherry's "Buffalo Stance" had listeners the world over cackling in unison following the line, "What do you expect...the guy's a gigalo, man!" Jackson giggled her way through "When I Think of You," and her fans rejoiced by making Control a number one album in America. Ultimately, more than eight million copies were sold.
The study found fake laughter in music as far back as 1958 when the Big Bopper snickered his way through "Chantilly Lace." While fronting Van Halen, David Lee Roth chuckled through numerous songs. A common misconception is that the Norwegian band A-Ha injected laughter into their songs. This is a myth.
Billy Joel contributed to the laughter boom in the eighties during his song "You're Only Human (Second Wind.)" However, CHUCkLE later found that the laughter was authentic and thus, did not apply to the study. (It should be noted that while the laughter was proven to be real, the song was not about unintentional flatulence.)
As the era of grunge rock rolled in, the contrived laughter slowly died. It was thought there would be a resurgence when Hanson released "MMMBop," but it turned out that listeners were laughing at them, not with them.
CHUCkLE found that the fabricated laughter reached its apex in the late eighties when both Nenah Cherry and Janet Jackson had Top 40 hits. Cherry's "Buffalo Stance" had listeners the world over cackling in unison following the line, "What do you expect...the guy's a gigalo, man!" Jackson giggled her way through "When I Think of You," and her fans rejoiced by making Control a number one album in America. Ultimately, more than eight million copies were sold.
The study found fake laughter in music as far back as 1958 when the Big Bopper snickered his way through "Chantilly Lace." While fronting Van Halen, David Lee Roth chuckled through numerous songs. A common misconception is that the Norwegian band A-Ha injected laughter into their songs. This is a myth.
Billy Joel contributed to the laughter boom in the eighties during his song "You're Only Human (Second Wind.)" However, CHUCkLE later found that the laughter was authentic and thus, did not apply to the study. (It should be noted that while the laughter was proven to be real, the song was not about unintentional flatulence.)
As the era of grunge rock rolled in, the contrived laughter slowly died. It was thought there would be a resurgence when Hanson released "MMMBop," but it turned out that listeners were laughing at them, not with them.
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