Saturday, January 13, 2007

Lapse in Judgement Ruins Red Corner

STERLING, V.A. - A Sterling man tuned to AMC prematurely for the start of Highlander early Sunday morning, and inadvertantly viewed the final three minutes of Red Corner.

"I'd never seen Red Corner before, but I'd always imagined I'd see it one day," said Ban Bove, 29. "I guess I screwed up."

Witnessed in the final gripping moments of the 1997 thriller was Bai Ling's tearful farewell to Gere. According to Bove, this was, "...probably pretty important to the storyline."

Bove goes on to say, "I didn't really know anything about the movie until now. I figured Gere was in some asian country, presumably doing something asian-related. Seeing him with that asian women really confirmed everything I already thought."

As to why he showed up so early for Highlander, Bove had this to say: "Well, there's that whole opening narration by Connery and the Quickening scene in the first, like, five minutes, and I didn't want to miss that. Knowing now the ramifications of my actions, I can honestly say I wish I'd just gone to sleep instead. After blowing Red Corner, I wasn't even in the mood for Highlander."

Bove will likely review Red Corner on IMDb in the coming days. The film has already garnered high-praise from users such as, "Watchable," "Mind-numbing," and "Taintacular."

Judge to Phil Collins: No Jacket Required, But Pants Must be Worn

LOS ANGELES - A Los Angeles Superior Court judge ruled Monday that when within a thousand yards of a human, Phil Collins must be clothed from the waist down.

The singer, whose 1985 album No Jacket Required was certified Diamond for U.S. sales of over ten million copies, had planned to release a comeback album entitled, "No Trousers Required." The proposed record has drawn outrage from church groups, parent-teacher associations, and PAX Television stations nationwide.

Tom Royco, of the Christian think-tank Pious Prudence, commented that this type of behavior is typical of Collins. "We all saw the video for "Take Me Home." He cruised around town in a hot tub limousine wearing nothing more than a speedo. I'm not interested in seeing his man-tits, and I'm certainly not interested in what's below the border."

It's reasonable to believe that if Collins had succeeded in moving forward with his planned album, it could have caused mass panic and hysteria. Following the release of No Jacket Required, Planet Earth saw a sharp decline in the jacket and sport coat market.

The ruling marks the second setback this year for Collins, who saw disappointing sales for his Middle Eastern-themed album, No Tunic Required.

Dude, You're Getting a Bowl of Soup

LOS ANGELES - Ben Curtis, better known as the "Dell Dude," from Dell Computer commercials, is working again.

Unfortunately for Curtis, it's in the food service industry and he's being paid in the form of soup. (And crackers, as he pointed out.)

As the unlovable Dell spokesperson, Curtis rocketed to the top of the Annoying Commercial Guy Pantheon, eclipsing such all-time greats as the Encyclopedia Britannica Guy, Sally Struthers, and Esteban. But after Curtis was caught with marijuana, Dell dropped him from their ads and replaced him with five annoying "Dell Interns." Fortunately for viewers, their combined powers of annoyance couldn't come close to equaling the disgust we felt for Curtis' vile and insufferable face.

After his dismissal, Curtis plunged into an abyss of self-destruction which included pot, strip clubs, gambling, and Zima. He even went so far as to speak highly of e-Machines in public. His life-savings blown, the former Dell Dude was broke and homeless.

In July of this year, hungry and alone, Curtis wandered into the Fourth Street Soup Kitchen in Los Angeles and asked for a soup. National television commercials seemed like a lifetime ago. Day after day he'd return, sampling unique Campbell's Soup offerings such as Tomato, Chicken Noodle, and Nacho Cheese. With each digested soup, Curtis gained momentum and confidence. Slowly, but surely, he's determined to work his way back into the public eye.

"I'm working on a script right now about a guy who gets fired from his high paying job, hits rock-bottom, and has to work his way back to the top. And guess what? He gets there," Curtis said. He also added that due to his lack of funds, the script is being written on the back of soup can labels.

Despite all the hardships, which he'll freely admit he brought on himself, Curtis maintains a positive outlook. Before returning to the serving line, he offered this thought: "The secret to believing you'll get your life back on track is a lot like soup. It comes in a Can, not in a Can't."